Reflections

It's been less than two weeks since I arrived back in Europe from China but it feels like two months. It has been so lovely to be back home with family and properly catch up, show photos and relax together after such a long time apart. I thought that seeing friends again may feel strange, but it really isn’t - in some ways it feels like I never left. But I did leave. It is funny to see how some things in Scotland that I have spent my whole life being used to, are starting to feel a little strange. Living in the countryside again, having limited transport options, or having to walk about because there aren't yellow bikes on every pavement to make the journey shorter. Or having to remember that people can understand what you say, because everyone speaks English! There were some moments of my year in China that all I wanted was to eat Scottish food, or have a bowl of cereal, but for some reason I'm not as excited about eating Scottish food again as I thought I would be. It is also back to reality and time to start earning some money in a desperate attempt to not be too broke when I start uni in October, but at the same time, absolutely failing at the job search - July is the worst time to be looking for a part time job.

Scotland is a small country, I can go to most of the cities in a day from my house, but any further than down the corridor feels like too far to see the other scholars. It is incredibly strange to not be able to pop into a scholar's room on floor seven for a chat. Unpacking was a MASSIVE job, it took me a full day. It seems that ten months in China can create an awful lot of stuff; trying to find places for them in a room that was nowhere near empty when I left was a big feat (only having one bag to take with me to China meant that my room never really looked very different). I had also imagined a big reunion with my cat, but turns out he didn't really care that I was back, he just wanted his dinner. I heard that when I came back to Scotland after my year in China I would have reverse-culture shock, and I think it's fair to say that I have been starting to have symptoms. This summer will be spent trying to earn money, trying to read as many books on my three page reading list for uni, and trying to lose some of the weight I put on after a year of eating delicious Chinese food. It feels surreal that I'm back.

I can honestly say that I didn't think I would ever write my last blog, I really thought that this year would never end. I don't know how to not sound so dramatic, but this year was life changing and unforgettable. But I suppose, this year was a bit dramatic - I left everything I knew, all my family and friends, Scottish culture, Scottish food, the English language - and boarded a flight to China with a bunch of strangers I had met about three times (but it was okay, we were Facebook friends) to start my year in China, and I could definitely not speak Chinese. I can actually remember writing down all the characters I knew before I left, and that was the numbers from one to ten, 你好，你好吗，我是英国人 and the proudest thing I had taught myself - how to write 谢谢. I remember when I got the email that I had got the scholarship. I was at work, saw the email, told my Mum and then went back to work. In my head I was just happy I had something sorted for next year but I definitely had no idea what that something was going to be like.

Sometimes I think that, perhaps from this blog, or from photos I post online, it seems that every day in China is so exciting and fun and we are having the best time. That is true for the most part, but it would be unfair to say that every day is like that. We did have issues. There were times that I really missed my family and my friends and I especially missed going downstairs and having a cup of tea with my Mum. There were sometimes that I missed the Scottish way of doing things, and knowing how things work. Sometimes in China I found it hard to understand the way things are done. Sometimes I used to get so frustrated that even ordering my lunch seemed like a massive challenge because I couldn't communicate in Chinese. Sometimes there were troubles with money, or with Chinese hospitals. Sometimes I got ill and I just wanted to have butter on toast and watch TV. However, it is true that at some of these times I didn't feel that happy, or I got a bit upset and frustrated but I really think that is part of this experience, and part of what I didn't know I was signing up for. Moving to China at the age of eighteen is accepting that you have to do everything by yourself - absolutely everything. You can't nip home for the weekend like you can at university in Scotland. Having dealt with these harder times by myself and relying on the friends I made while I was in China made me a much more mature person that I could never have dreamed of being at this age. Those times made all the amazing and exciting things even more amazing and exciting because I knew that I was the person that got me to this point, by relying on myself; I had made this opportunity for myself, and I was making the most of it. I have learned how to overcome challenges independently. I remember the first time I cried in China - I had run out of money and needed to go to an ATM to take out more because our stipend came in late. Looking back on that moment now, I don't know why I was that upset. If I was in that situation now, it would be nowhere near as big of a deal. I also think that because of this experience, I will deal with new challenges in a more mature way. I mean, if I moved to China at the age of 18 I can do anything, right?

I don't think we only dealt with living in China, we made the most of it. At first, it was a matter of successfully finding the next meal or trying to find toilet roll in a Chinese supermarket. I really think we made a life for ourselves in China. I think building a life for ourselves is a massive achievement that we should be proud of. That was part of the reason that it was so hard to leave, because I could really see myself there if I stayed for another year, or another four. At one point I seriously considered doing my degree in China, because it would have been easy to stay, to continue my life there, to see my Chinese improve even more and to build stronger relationships with the people we had met.

I would like to have a list of all the highlights of my year in China, but it is really hard to pinpoint the highlights because it was all amazing. So here are just a few:

I remember the first day in class that I could actually understand what the teacher said. I felt so happy, I finally felt like I was making progress with my Chinese. At the end of the year, working towards my HSK 4 exam and passing was a massive achievement and I felt really proud to have made so much progress and have something recognisable to show for it.

Having my family come to visit me was really fun because I could show them where I had been living for the first time. They could now picture all the places I had been talking about for the last few months.

Travelling. I can't explain how amazing it was to have been able to travel around China and parts of South East Asia. Seeing Hong Kong and Taiwan was especially interesting. We even got to do your typical gap year activity and go scuba diving! All the hours I had spent working at Burger King saving for my travelling was more than worth it. We did encounter some issues but we overcame them together.

The St Andrews Ball in Beijing was unforgettable. All throughout High School I thought that learning Scottish dancing was a waste of time, but being able to dance at the ceilidh was so much fun. We were definitely by far the best dancers there - probably because we were the ones that had most recently been taught them!

Representing Scotland in China at the British Embassy and meeting Nicola Sturgeon was surreal. She looked exactly like she does on TV! She was very down to earth and asked a lot about each of us.

Finally, I would say the people we met. Living in an international building meant that we could meet people from all sorts of places, even from countries I had never heard of before. We really made a family as the Scots. We learned how to live with each other and rely on each other. Meeting Chinese people allowed us to understand more fully Chinese culture and customs and gave us a link to keep coming back to China to keep in touch with our friends.

I remember meeting a group of young high school students from Scotland that visited us in the first couple of months of being in China. I remember some of them saying that they wouldn't take part in a scholarship to China because of the toilets, the food, the pollution and leaving their high school friends. Yes it’s true that these are concerns I had before I left for China, but in the big picture, they really are very insignificant. Using a squatting toilet is such a tiny part of your day and you just learn to adapt (there's no option not to). The food in China is very different from Scottish food but, as with all types of food, you find out what dishes you like and don't like, and avoid the ones that aren't your favourite. I loved Chinese food, and there is some of it I really miss now. Some days the pollution can get very bad, but you can just join the fashion and wear a pollution mask. Sometimes the time difference and distance can make it hard to stay in touch with friends and family, but they love you and will always be there for you, no matter where you are in the world. I understand that these are things that people worry about, but it really shouldn't stop anyone from taking part in a scholarship like this. I would recommend that everyone who wants to study Chinese considers applying to this scholarship; if you didn't know already, I cannot express how much of an amazing experience it is!

I have really enjoyed writing this blog and I'm sure that it will be something that I look back on in years to come. It has been a really good way of documenting my time in China and I hope that people have enjoyed reading it, and understand a bit more of what it's like to take part in this scholarship. It feels really strange to be writing the last one!

Maybe it's because Tianjin is such an amazing city, the influence of the Western architecture around where we live, its size (although three times the size of the Scottish population it is still not the biggest city in China), its proximity to Beijing or because it was the first place I lived after moving out, but Tianjin will always have a special place in my heart.

But in the end I had to come back home. Saying goodbye to my life in Tianjin and all the people I had met was incredibly hard. Although I am continuing to study Chinese at university in the UK, I know I will never have a year like this again. I will never leave home for the first time again, I will never have my first year in China again. However, I am so excited that I get to continue studying Chinese because I know there is even more for me in China. I know that it won't be the same as this year has been, but I know that China will pull something out the bag and it will be equally amazing. Maybe one day people will listen to my Chinese and be jealous - just like I am whenever I hear a foreigner speaking good Chinese.

It's onto new things now, but learning Chinese will forever be in my life and my time in China will never be forgotten. I know it's going to take a while for me to adjust to being in UK again, maybe even more so than adjusting to life in China. I'm sure that people may think I'm a bit strange because I have certainly forgotten what is normal in the UK and what's not. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to go to China. Again sorry for being so dramatic, but it really has changed my life, and changed the way I think.

Thank you China for everything you've given me.

感谢中国♥️ 我想你啊！我真的爱你。

Ailsa Brown 白艾栩